Rituals are impossible in an emotionally dysregulated state
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Rituals are impossible in an emotionally dysregulated state
Date Published
Dec 29, 2023
I recently discovered how to utilize rituals to maximize my mental and physical wellbeing. When I say discovered, I really mean that it was unexpected. I fell into it with effortless action. So really, it was a pleasant surprise. Especially since I never considered myself ritualistic, or even a person that does things consistently. I thought I was more of a novelty-seeker and therefor never quite prioritized cleaning and cooking as an example.
It started with minimalistic fascinations
As I looked around my room, I saw that I had many items everywhere. Things I havenāt touched in months. They were collecting dust, and taking up space. Being a meditator, I often spend a lot of time in my room, and I think as some point, I was simply tired of being annoyed with everything around me. One day, I decided I would look at my stuff to inquire whether I should get rid of it.
I had 3d printer which I loved to play with, but I found myself at a cross roads with it. Two parts of me were pulling me in opposite directions. On one hand, I would tell myself, āWell, I havenāt used this is months. Its time to let it go.ā Then immediately as I began to pick it up, all of the previous memories created with this wonderful printer came rushing to the forefront of my mind. I began to feel a little sad. This printer had sentimentality. It was a gift from my brother. So, I put it down, and went to do something else.
This cycle repeated itself over many days. I would approach the printer after having ignored it again for weeks, and with courage, begin to inquire. Then I would immediately start to feel grief when I thought about selling it. One day I told myself, āYou know what, Iām just going to sell it. If I ever want it again, Iāll just buy it again. No big deal.ā The sense of loss faded away, and what replaced it was a feeling of lightness.
Bit by bit, my room got emptier and emptier. I also felt lighter and lighter. When I opened my eyes and I looked around after a meditation session, my mind had less and less opportunities to wonder about the possibilities of my things. Somehow, clearing my things also meant clearing my mind.
This āclearing outā became its own ritual of sorts. There was something truly freeing about having less. Overtime, there were less things taking up my attention and my time. I had time to do other more important things! I wasnāt so distracted by my things, as they were no longer around tot entice me with āwhat ifs.ā I also no longer felt frustrated for not giving those things the attention they deserved.
Making my bed
Eventually I got rid of my bed, and I replaced it with a double-sized Japanese style futon, which I really love. Every morning when I get up, I do the exact same thing. I first fold up my bedding -including the fitted sheet- and store it away. Then I fold and store the futon away. Then I will sweep the floor and the tatami carpet underneath. Then I will drink water, brush my teeth, and then sit for a meditation session.
The night routine is almost identical, except backwards. I will drink some water, then brush my teeth, then open up my futon and put the bedding on top. Lastly, I will sit on my pillow for about 30 minutes for a quick meditation session. By then the lights automatically turn off. Cue the meditation bell, I simply slip underneath my sheets and it is only a minute or so before Iām fast asleep.
Again, none of this feels like effort, which is the strangest thing. I donāt have to motivate myself, or somehow conjure up motivation or reason with myself in anyway to do it. There is no resistance at all. Actually, I think its just straight up laziness, and I mean that in the most pragmatic way. Since my bed takes up the majority of the space in my room, cleaning up my bed already has a major impact on my room. Since my room is kept perpetually clean. I never have to schedule in any cleaning time. The ritual of the day keeps it clean.
Cleaning the dishes
This same pattern of making cleaning part of the daily ritual slowly extended into the kitchen. I used to have piles of dishes in the sink. I would also have piles of clean dishes on the drying rack. In a state of rush, I would often grab a dish from the cupboard, rather than pick up a dirty one. Thatās how the pile-on started.
Instead, I asked myself, ādo I really need 6 plates?ā The answer was no. I never actually used more than 3 at a time! And only because of my laziness! I was always washing away my laziness!
After a meditation session, Iāll go to the kitchen and grab myself breakfast. Sometimes Iāll even prepare lunch at the same time.
Rather than grab a dish from the cupboards, I simply grab the things I need from the drying rack.
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Then, to complete the cycle, I would rely more and more on cooking slow and cooking bigger. I started appreciating my oven more then ever, since my oven would do the cooking for me, and therefor free up time to do dishes.
Slowly, and without any deliberate planning, the pile of dishes in the sink simply disappeared. Again, no dish-washing activity scheduled. It simply became part of the ritual.
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Effortless Cleaning
When I get home, all the steps I took to get my clothing on my body is repeated backwards. My shoe immediately goes into the shoe rack. My hat and glove go into the glove compartment. My jacket -and sometimes my sweater- go directly into my closet. Then follows my belt, my pocket contents emptied into the same spot, and then my pants come off. There isnāt any clothing on the ground at any point.
Like this, all rooms around my house, because they are involved in some form of ritual or another, end up becoming cleaner and cleaner over time. This includes the washroom.
Before I shower, I look at the tub. If there is a trace of yellow or mold building up, I get on my knees for a few minutes and simply wash it away. When I brush my teeth, the last thing to do is wipe the counter clean.
I never schedule any cleaning time. I always leave the space exactly as I found it, or slightly cleaner.
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When Ritual falls Apart
This is an indication that I am becoming āungroundedā, āunbalancedā or āemotionally dysregulated.ā Another more benign term might be āstressedā. I am always thankful when this happens, because I am then immediately shown what it is that I am doing that is causing me to become emotionally dysregulated.
The first thing I notice is that it become unpleasant to live at home. When in an emotional dysregulated state, nothing is enjoyable and the ritual falls apart. Its happened so many times now, that I can recognize this state of dysregulation in my body like night and day. When I am dysregulated, I would rather be somewhere else than within the activity I am in. The activity itself is not enjoyable, and I end up doing it in a state of rush so that I can get it over with as soon possible. Then again, everything becomes unenjoyable. Everything that was previously so easy and effortless to do, now has resistance to it. I have to āconjureā motivation from thin air, and then the task itself is a bit of a slog. Then I procrastinate in all kinds of ways. I start to pick up my phone and browse social media in attempts to alleviate the feeling of discomfort in my body. I start ordering out. Sometimes I wonāt even eat because I donāt feel like cooking. Emotional dysregulation really is an unpleasant state to be in.
Things around the house become messy again. My room starts to pile up with things again. The dishes start to stack up. The washroom gets disgusting. Sometimes I am so distracted by my professional responsibilities that I loose self-awareness. In this sate of lack of self-awareness, it is harder to notice that I am becoming dysregulated. With dysregulation follows the falling away of rituals.
Most people are dysregulated and they donāt know it!
This is rather unfortunate. For me, it means Iāve been perpetually dysregulated most of my life. Thatās because both my parents were also perpetually dysregulated considering that they were workaholics. So I was taught to live in this way.
The moment perpetual stress went away, and I started taking care of my needs again, a feeling of ease comes into my being. The ritual automatically re-establishes, and once again without any effort. This is another way that I know that I am becoming dysregulated or stressed. I feel it both in body, and also my external home environment become messy.
When this happens, I know I need to slow down. I know that I need to take care of myself again. Self-care becomes priority number one. I drop everything else and do this instead, even if it feels painful to drop what I am doing. This is crucial. It certainly feels tempting to hang onto the current task, but actually if I did it with resistance within my body, then it would take twice as long, since perfectionistic tendencies arise easily in a dysregulated state. Everything takes twice as long! With no resistance, however, things come more effortlessly, and they take a shorter amount of time to complete! It is always 100% worth it regulate myself back to serenity.
I am neither ritualistic nor inconsistent.
I used to think I was just an inconsistent person. Since I hated chores, preferred novel things, and was easily distracted, that I was incapable of sticking to habits and rituals, and that it wasnāt āmeā. I identified with this habit so much that I thought, āRituals are just not my thing, I was just born this way, and my being prevents me from doing itā However, thatās just not true. Once I realized that I was in a perpetual state of dysregulation, I began to take immediate action to make myself better. Then everything else in life started to fall into place, including ritualistic things, habit building, and sticking to hobbies for a long period of time.
The sooner I removed any identity I had on who I was, the more lighter I felt, and the more capable I felt. Ultimately, I always ask myself the same question, āHoney, are you ok?ā
I am an Integrative Coach, I help my clients self-regulate and live a more balanced lifestyle. Feel free to reach out to me to see if thereās anything I can do to help you! Iām happy to chat, and answer some of your burning questions!
