Whenever I work with plants, I always feel a combination of gratitude, abundance, fascination, awe and reverence. In contrast, the longer I spend time at my part-time, the more I feel a sense of insecurity, lack, ingratitude, impatience, restlessness and I just wish I wasnât there. Iâm fascinated by dynamic. You wouldnât think that earning money would feel great, but it has never actually felt good. What felt good was having an ability, perhaps a freedom, to purchase what I needed. I could press a few buttons and this item appears magically at my fingertip in just a few days.
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A few times week, Iâll feel a nagging desire to make my way down to beach, my second home. It feels more like my home than my actual home. What does home feel like? Secure, abundant, and intimate. I have a deep relationship with this beach, which I have slowly strengthened over time. If I donât visit after a few days, I feel unsettled, and ungrounded.
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For Christmas I went home, and I already knew that I wasnât going to enjoy the Christmas holidays very much. The home of my mother especially, was a place which felt extraordinarily insecure. My mom spent the better part of 40 years saving up, and believing that we lived in a fundamentally lacking world. I found it very fascinating that she has a home, a good job, kids that visit her regularly, and yet deep inside she feels a deep sense of insecurity, and lacking. That was the primary vibration in the air at her home. When I returned home from the holiday, I felt a feeling of relief wash over me. Yet, I have very little material possessions compared to her. I have a low paying job, few friends, and little money in my bank. Yet, I feel extraordinarily abundant. I donât feel the need to save up, to climb up any kind of corporate later, to prove myself to anyone, or get anything. If anything, I want to leave my job as soon as possible!
As I sit here at the office:
- I keep coming here because i need money to survive.
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