While on a Vision Quest in Colorado, I had a deep conversation with the rain. Unbeknownst to me, a seed within had finally been exposed to the ingredients necessary to begin germinating. Once the germination process started, there was no going back. My path was set in stone, and I could not revert back my ordinary life, hard as I tried.
Increasing sensitivity
Believe me, I tried my best to return to my ordinary schedule. I thought I had healed something deep, and that now it was no longer in my way; that it was no longer impeding me from reaching my hopes and dreams. However, I was wrong.
I gave myself about 3 days of rest before returning to work, but now I wished I had given myself a month because everything I did seemed to bring about pain. Going off to work I felt pain. Spending time in groups brought about pain. Spending time on the computer, or on my phone brought about pain across my body and my shoulders. Talking to people, I felt a combination of tension and fear. What on earth is going on? Why do I feel more pain coming back than before I left. I thought I had healed something. Did I not?
The quest had allowed me to experience what is commonly known as an “awakening.” I was awake to the more subtle aspects of my reality. I was a little more awake to life itself, and I would continue to wake up. My senses were dialed up a few notches, and I was in kindergarten class once again, this time I was learning how to move about the world with open eyes.
A Recalibration
To sum what others have written entire books about, I was now more awake to needs of my body. It was now blatantly obvious to me, via pain, that the way I was living my life previously was not the way my body had preferred it. Much like how if ate too much fast food which resulted in a stomach ache, or if I spent too much time under the sun which resulted in sun burn, or if I went too long without water which resulted in a headache, I was now able to detect signals which were always there, but which I was previously unconscious or oblivious to. Except, now the pain was so great that I could no longer ignore it.
The once subtle signals which were mild discomforts, had transformed into undeniable pain. For instance, I noticed that every time I came home from work, I had a headache which lasted for well over a day. I later discovered it was because sitting 8 hours in front of the computer was an unnatural way to spend my time. My body loved to move and I felt refreshed by moving throughout the day. I started riding my bike to work, going on more walks outside and I reduced my working hours to three days a row, only because that was the minimal amount I could work and still pay off my bills. Just those simple changes made wonderful positive impacts to my wellbeing. I actually started looking for other jobs which suited me better, but haven’t been able to find that doesn’t involve me working 8 hours of the day.
I have no choice but to become self-employed to be able to work whenever I felt was right for me.
On another note, whenever I stepped into the forest, or a park, or into sandy beach and away from the noise of society, I felt a sense of rejuvenation. It was almost like I could breath better. In school I learned about how our nervous system was constantly entraining to the environment and to other people. The same entrainment system is also what allows the capacity for empathy. Coming back, I felt like a sponge, I was soaking in the energy of the environment where ever I went. At the park, a place filled with plants and animals, I felt a sense of peace. Anywhere else in the city, I felt a tension, and anxiety. I wanted to recluse, and I did for the first month or so.
I gradually stopped attending groups of people, with the exception of my sangha group. Most people I encountered, perhaps 95% of them, carried with them a tension, anxiety and a fear so subtle, it almost seemed like they were nose-blind to it. Or perhaps, they weren’t completely nose-blind to it because I often heard complaints about over-working or feeling tired. It was just that they did not experience pain along with it, but a mild discomfort, and were willing to tolerate being it. I suspect it was the rush of society, agendas and schedules that were keeping them in a perpetual state of tension and also coping. At this point, body made it blatantly obvious to me whenever I began to accelerate, or hold many agendas. Due to my conditionally, and much to my own dismay, I did so many times. I took along time, but eventually I slowed way down. The onset of tension is a great indicator that I am too tense.
Once in a while, I am delighted to encounter an individual that has awakened to the hamster wheel we all seemed to be living in. I’m reminded of a friend named Joy, who inspired and helped me to get to this point. My Sangha group also has individuals who are awakening. They are very pleasant to talk to as they do not hold tension in their bodies. From this comparison, I see that I am not alone, nor am I insane, or unique in this fashion. I see that its just a healthier way to live, to not be constantly chasing an agenda, to move slowly and naturally. Yet, I am sometimes aghast that 99% of the people I see are totally asleep, and in tension of sorts and moving incredibly fast. Not that I have cut these people from my life, nor that I wish for them to “wake up”, but now I have a different set of boundaries to put up.
Delicious Experiences
On the plus side, the world has become subline. Since I am now sensitive to everything, then all pleasurable experiences are now more pleasurable than before.
A simple meal has become a five-star meal. Music is like listening to orchestras. Relationships have become deeper and more profound. Sunsets and sunrise are extra-ordinarily delightful. The birds sing to me. The plants soothe my feelings. The wind carries messages. The water slaps me awake. The clouds carry my imagination, and while the animals bring me wonder, I delight at the beauty of the world.
All of these marvelous experiences are richer only because I am not spending so much time in my head anymore. When I drop really down into my heart level, and sometimes my gut level, the mind chatter becomes like rolling clouds, while my senses take up the center stage.
Unburdening
Pain is pleasure, and pleasure is pain. This becomes more evident as time passes. Like the inevitable night and like the inevitable day, my body seems to go through ups and downs of its own accord. Day time feels like a cocktail of delightful sensory experiences. Night time, what some people call “the dark night of the soul” feels like agony. Sometimes these waves extend for days and are so predominant, they are like summer and winter.
If I pay close enough attention, it feels like I am going backwards. However, forward defines backwards, so it is only an illusion. What’s really happening is an integration of experiences that have long been waiting to be integrated. They were not given permission. They were not allowed to be there because I was taught they were not allowed to be there. It was my conditioning.
Every wave makes me lighter and lighter. Lighter from what? From the need to define who I really am.
Awakening is the process of awaking from myself. I am waking up from the identify of “Guillermo.” Guillermo is but a burden.
Slowly, Guillermo and his identities die off, like leaves falling from a tree. Eventually, the only thing that remains is everything, for can I be one with everything if I still believe in myself?
Childlike Wonder
To the mind the above feels like suicidal ideation, but it is not. I am recognizing that all I’ve ever wanted was to return to a state of being that I was once in a long time ago. A child does not carry identities. He delights in everything and everyone. He takes wonder as the world plays out before him. He is already born one with everything.