Moving beyond Neurodivergent Identity

Goodbye, Neurodivergence. I am free from your grips, at last.

This article addresses anyone who carries any sort of identity for themselves, be it neuro-divergent and its many variations: different, strange, awkward etc. So actually, this article can be interpreted outside of the context of neurodivergence. It applies to any identity, and the target audience for this piece is those who are looking to move past feeling isolated, having lack of confidence and feelings low self-worth due to perceived differences in the way thinking happens.

Take this article as more of an expression of my current experience, than a guide or a suggestion for what’s right for you. I don’t presume to know what’s right for the reader. I only know that I need to express myself.

What do I mean by “Moving”?

Let’s be real, the only other reason to speak up about perceived differences, if it were not for creativity’s sake, is because there is a felt sense of injustice, discomfort, dis-ease and the desire to find some alleviation from these things within the context in which we live. That’s really the reason anyone moves towards something at all; to get away from pain. People interested in this article might move towards neurodivergence, ironically, to find a sense of normalcy. They are looking find their place in what they believe is a world not fit for them. They might join groups that speak to their identity. For others, this “moving” is a yearning to be happy right where they are. All of those things are true for me. When I say moving, what I really refer to is the process of dis-identifying from neurodivergence. The tail-end of the story of neuro-divergency, which very few people meet. In this story there is a beginning and that’s when we discover something about ourselves and we can call it any variation of the neuro-divergent labels. Then the middle part is the research phase and it goes on for any number of years. Most people stay here in this middle stage for the rest of their lives. Its suitable enough for most people. Finally, this article is for the ending of this story. The stopping of research, and then dis-identifying from it all. It has a bittersweet ending, and like all stories lessons are learnt. Moving is just what it is. A “moving-on” from the notion. A shedding off from the identity, and a peeling away from the set of beliefs and stories that initially came with it. Those things which the experts have said about the way I am, I can no longer believe. I might add, its not because I simply choose to not believe them. Actually, its because I went so deeply into them, that I found no foundation to them. I will elaborate in more detail below. For the moment, I’d like to express that’s nice to see everyone on equal grounds. No “buts” at all. The dichotomy of neuro-divergent or neurotypical is no longer there. Rather, everyone expresses a unique flavor of presence. I cannot treat anyone differently to how I already treat everybody: with decency, sensitivity, respect and as a brother or sister. I find this way of looking at people, with no labels whatsoever, much more liberating. On the contrary, when I put on a label on myself or someone, then that’s when I begin to think that I know them in some way. It makes it harder to appreciate them in their many hundreds of ways that don’t fit my worldview. Why not make my world view as wide open as possible? What do I mean by “Beyond”?

I used to consider myself ADHD, so after this moving on, I can confidently say for myself: “I no longer have to worry about ADHD symptoms impeding the way I relate to myself”. It doesn’t mean that I don’t encounter them. It means I don’t make a problem out of them, and strive endlessly to fix myself. I think that I will always encounter unexpected circumstances as long as I live. Why would I want to tally them up, and then use them as ammunition to prove a belief in “broken.” That attitude used to fuel a desire to better myself. However, there are drawbacks.

For one, the word symptom implies that I had some form of sickness. However, when the identity drops, all the beliefs that go with it also drop. In other words, its not as though I’ve healed anything. It’s that I no longer classify my own behavior sets as problematic. It is a reverting back to the way it used to be, before I introjected the theory of ADHD and its corresponding beliefs on what is 99.9% of the time spontaneous, innocent expression.

The amazing thing that happens when I no longer create a problem out of my way of behaving, is that I don’t beat myself up for making them in the first place. There is nothing to fix, and thus, the overthinking, overanalyzing mind finally has a chance to rest. It is freed from making judgments on myself and others. This deep form of rest has allowed my mind and body to regulate itself so sufficiently, the that once annoying symptoms seemed to have reduced in frequency and some of them have dissolved to an extent where they no longer impede with my daily functioning.

I understand most people who carry any sort of neuro-divergent label will immediately balk at this statement, and some may even begin the automatic process of denial which tends to happens to anyone that insinuates to them they can be cured. A lot of these folks long for normalcy, and in their quest for normalcy have been disappointed so many times before, that anyone that comes up to them with the sales pitch for a cure to neurodivergence immediately becomes suspect. Its a good thing I’m not referring to a cure. The word “cure” is only applicable on the assumption that one was in some sort of ailment or disease to begin with. People who carry a neuro-divergent labels aren’t diseased. Yet, they are in dis-ease, or lack of ease. Neither is this article about how to come out of dis-ease. If anything, the process of healing almost always involves more pain and more dis-ease. This is rather unfortunate, as these people who have been unwell for many years, who are hoping to finally feel some relief, will probably undergo through a little bit more pain before they can feel better, if they wish to go down this route. It was certainly the case for me. Today, there is a feeling of ease and greater happiness from the culmination of years of work. At the core of my sense of wellbeing is a mind that doesn’t judge. It doesn’t hold as many stories, and for those stories that linger, it is becoming harder and harder to believe in them. This is really what I am addressing here: a mind that doesn’t second guess or judge itself after-the-fact, after every action or behavior or thing that was said or done. Not about myself or other people. My actions precede a identity-related story with less frequency, and what an incredible relief it is to move about the world in my most natural state of being, spontaneous and alive, and not have a story wrapped around my behavior or expressions in anyway. I feel like a child: careless and free.

Honestly, I just grew tired of the stories that described me in some way, especially stories that came from authority figures, and professionals. They did nothing but layer on deficiency stories, beliefs and attitudes, which then shaped the way I viewed myself and subsequently impacted the choices I made for myself. My clients also came to me, and vomited out deficiency stories about themselves, which they’ve introjected from professionals. Oftentimes, a second closer look was all that was needed for them to regain a sense of self-confidence or worth.

I don’t people-please as much anymore, and I don’t second guess myself as much anymore. I don’t suffer from strong bouts of rejection sensitivity anymore. Perhaps its because I’m not rejecting myself so much anymore! I’m sure that anyone who calls themselves an “ADHDer” and have studied the subject long enough could watch me for a day and they might say to themselves, “He might have ADHD.” I would say to them: “I don’t really care anymore,” and that’s the honest truth. Nowadays, what is more important to me than anything else in the world, is that I love myself unconditionally. By holding on to stories- especially attitudes- around certain identities, I was layering self-loathing on top of an “oops”. Even oops can be taken off, though, when things didn’t go as expected, it can be a relief to shrug. It is the story that follows after the “oops” which brought a heavy weight on my shoulders.

Behavior can be creatively adjusted without any dialog or self-loathing. In fact, that’s what we do all of the time. There is a need to add more salt to our food if it is coming out rather bland. It doesn’t really help to then tack on: “Shit, this is bland, I’m a terrible cook, if only I could just be a better cook, then my life would be so much better.” So you see learning continues to happen, and negative self-talk, even the strategizing and solving is unnecessary. Perhaps only a year ago I was drowning in this type frustration because there were too many little things here and there that were mildly infuriating, which never seemed to correct themselves. Most of it had to do with needs and expectations piling up and being unmet. These expectations, again, were coming from narratives that surrounded a particular identity. Any attempts to address ADHD created the implication that there was something wrong with me to begin with.

When I removed most expectations I held about myself and about others, a sense of ease washed over me. The mind stopped overthinking, and most of the “Shoulds” and “Have-Tos” fell away. When the chattering voice of reason fell away, I felt at peace with the way things currently were. I understood on a deeper level, that my happiness was unconditional. In other words, there was nothing outside of me that could make me happy. Not even all of the efforts to better myself. Ironically, the more I ended up surrendering the need to fix myself, the more ease, wellbeing, and dare I say, the more productive I became. I felt more integrated within society. The narrative that I was living within a society that didn’t fit for me no longer applied, and I simply adjusted well to any given circumstance. It all baffled me for a number of years. However, I have sat with it long enough to understand what was happening here. Any agenda, solution or strategy to fix something about myself, I have noticed, is born from a fear that something bad will happen if I didn’t address the behavior in the future. Or, it strengthened the belief that there was something wrong with me to begin with. Where did these stories, attitudes and beliefs begin? When did they start? I remember watching Tiktok videos on ADHD, and my attention was drawn to a common experience I’ve always had, which I found neutral. The person in the video demonstrated a feeling of frustration about the experience, which made me wonder: “Is it really that frustrating?” The next time I had the experience, my mind automatically referenced that TikTok video, and without a blink, I concluded: “wow, this really is frustrating.”

Years, later it occurred to me that I was picking up attitudes about all kinds of things, all of the time. I had learnt the attitude of self-loathing from others who carried the same identity labels for themselves. I had learnt to beat myself up when my expectations didn’t come to fruition, because I had watched others become frustrated at themselves when their expectations didn’t come to fruition. I was made up of layers upon layers of introjected attitudes, attitudes that was no me! No wonder it was difficult to “know myself!”

What Do I mean by “Identity”

With any sort of identity, there is a piling up of expectations and stories. When I saw through those identities, I also saw through the stories or expectations. I other words, once I saw that they held no solid foundation, no basis to hold them as truths, I made little sense to act on them. Its really as simple as that. The instant that there is an identity, we say “no” to everything that doesn’t fall within the space of that particular identification. “No” comes out in the form of denial, guilt, shame, anger, pain and even disgust. Mostly negative emotions. Its all too common for someone that identifies as a loving partner, for instance, to feel shame and guilt the moment they impulsively shout at their partner in a state of frustration over something they did. “I feel so bad about myself for shouting at them like that! What’s wrong with me? I must be broken!” Its as though loving partners aren’t suddenly allowed to shout or get frustrated at their partners. There’s this additional feeling of guilt or shame added on top of the feeling of frustration of their partner. These extra feelings came about because we did not fall in-line with our inflated identity. These additional feelings are actually a form of retroflected anger, or anger turned inwards because we did not behave in accordance to the image we have built of ourselves. So we beat ourselves up for not living up to own standards. Does all of this sound familiar?

Even more complicated is placing identify of neurodivergence on oneself. When I really checked inside, I noticed that this identity of ADHD came with an enormous weight on my shoulders. It was s a very subtle weight which was overshadowed by the attainment of conceptual knowledge and the feeling of hope. I remember going through a mixed bag of emotions when I first started learning about ADHD. It was one story after another introjected into my knowledge base, describing my lived experience with impeccable detail. I remember thinking, “Oh Wow! That’s totally me!” Followed by, “What more do they know?” and “I can improve myself if I just keep learning!” I proceeded to read on and on for several years about this condition which afflicted me all of my life, and I tried a many different solutions to better myself.

At some point my in healing journey, I had shocking realization: being identified with this label was the very thing that was preventing my healing. I saw that If I wanted to heal from it, I would have to let go of big part of myself. It meant a certain self-destruction. Indeed, it was exceptionally painful to heal from it. It was a loss, a shedding of an identity I had held onto for a long time. I grieved the loss of ADHD for several months. I stopped researching it and strategizing around it; I had to let it go completely.

When I dropped the identity, the real healing began. The beliefs which I held about myself, which were keeping me locked into a particular way of being, were no longer there. The phrases, “You are born with it” and “Your brain is wired differently” no longer applied to me, as I saw first-hand my own mind and the way I perceived the world start to change dramatically. I have no doubt that my brain structure changed with all of the work I've been doing.

The answer to my problems were always with me

In order for me to move beyond ADHD, and other identities, I had to drop those identities. I had to stop reading the books, stop trying to fix myself, stop trying to improve. There was a real sense of hopelessness which lasted for quite some time. Then, came an incredible amount of grief. I cried for months for the loss of this big identity. I felt alone, as I couldn’t find anyone else going through this transition.

I had no one to turn to for guidance. I spent a lot of time going on hikes with my camera. I was in a retreat lifestyle for the better part of a year. While wallowing in my depression, I noticed something peculiar about all of the animals around me. I wondered how an eagle knew how to hunt, or how a spider knew to weave such a beautiful web with its tiny little sensory organs and no brain. How did cats and dogs automatically know what was good for them? It’s not like they had a teacher that was explaining things to them. I had an “Aha” moment and everything just sort of clicked.

I was prioritizing information that had been fed to me through words, over information that my body was giving me. Its no wonder I lost confidence and self-trust in myself over many years. I was taught not to trust myself. I was taught that others had a solution for me which could work optimally in the world in which I lived. Perhaps it had something to do with how I kept looking outside of myself (coaches, services, books, professionals and authority figures, the internet) instead of looking inside. I had a habit of learning which involved going out, finding out information, and then applying said information. When the information didn’t work for me, I simply repeated the process. What finally made a lasting change this time was that I started listening to my body with more precision. I started learning how to self-regulate by attuning to my body regularly. The irony of wanting to go out to seek information is that the impulse originates within the body in an effort to to make itself better! Somehow I held on to a very powerful conditioning or belief that other people had what I needed to make me feel better. Unfortunately, we receive this conditioning via advertising on a daily basis.

I cut out the middle-man, the professional, or the authority figure that was telling me what was good for me, and instead inquired into my body directly as to what was good for me. That’s when everything changed. Literally everything. It felt like someone was inside my head, rewiring everything. The symptoms slowly decreased in frequency to a point where they no longer impeded the functioning of my life.

What is life like now?

Let’s just say I can no longer call myself an ADHDer. Both because I just cannot believe the stories that were fed to me, and because the symptoms that accompany these disorders have been reduced to the extent that they no longer impact my life in a negative way.

I don’t look to others for a sense of validation anymore or even permission. I don’t ask, “Does anyone else do this or that?” from a place of insecurity. I simply do what I please. For example, I now work significantly less, as I discovered that a big reason I had symptoms had to do with how I was in a perpetual state of dis-regulation. I was in dysregulation because I was subscribing to what others were doing, rather than listening to my body. For instance, at a previous job, I did not enjoy working more than 3 days a week. Four days was OK, while five days dysregulated me to a point where a two-day weekend is insufficient amount of time to recover. I’m grateful I was able to achieve this way of living, as I see that people nowadays need to work a lot just to make ends meet. I will not have it any other way if I can manage that for the rest of my days.

I feel like a child in the best possible ways. I take on the world one day at a time and sometimes one moment at a time. I don’t have many hopes or dreams, and I think that’s because I enjoy myself more often than not, wherever I happen to be. In a state of joy, there is no hope for anything to be different, and my dreams come second to the pleasure of the intimacy of the moment.

I am moving away from coaching ADHD clients. I feel very strongly that I am doing my clients a disservice by presuming to know what’s right for them based on a label. The less I know, the better for my clients. Moreover, I'm less interested in offering band-aid solutions, strategies and consulting work, than I am exploring the depth of the human being. It is more rewarding for me to get to the real root of a person’s underlying symptoms, which happens to be generic in expression, but who’s causes are unique to the individual.

That’s all for now. Thanks for reading.

@ Guillermo 2023

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